My confession

 26 M, 

LongPost Alert--- 

From childhood i had su***al thoughts, I lived in a small town.. in a little cute house,  i saw my father always fighting with my mom all days and he doesn't showed any care towards us, Because of his swearings from childhood i got stammered speech and he made my mom work in daily market stuffs, Not much nutritious food to eat, i looked like stick those times, my classmates used to call me as BONE, and my mom and dad pressured me to study and tend get to swearings and beatings for nothing, Half the time i wont stay in my place at all, i had few friend's in school, i ll be going to their places, since my house looks like dustbin and he doesnt even cared abt it, he made us sleep there and do stuffs there and no restroom facility too, i ll be running to public restroom before going to school, it ll be too much rush at that time with no proper gate. Ill be like trying talking to my dad to change things and his behaviour, now my brother will come into picture that he wont let me talk against my dad, and things will fall apart like everyday. Days get passed like hell. I thought of committing su**de at that time i was studying 6 th std, My mom complained to relatives of her side about my father and they started poking me insulting me, my father didnt get any and he continued to do things. In the mean time, a girl and her family newly shifted to infront of my house. I used play with her like everyother kid and few of my school friends created the rumour that i love her. My friends in school used to call me by her name, I slowly started falling for her. It was a great feel-the first love, i used to think of her and sleep in the night. Because of her, other problems doesnt seem like a problem to me, i was like laughing at everyone all the time, the normal teasings of my friend's in school and swearings of my father didnt mattered to me. from 10 th std i couldnt see her, Since the board exams have started and after sometime they have shifted their house, i missed her so much, Coming to my dad, he was spending money on numerology, astrology and vaasthu stuffs, He didnt cared to give us peanuts, but he made us work and swearings on day to day basis, Because of vaasthu, home turned like more shit place. As usual i ll be escaping from my home to some places in the city. In 12 th board exams he didnt allowed me to study peacefully, before the exam night he made me come to market to do stuffs, after the board exams got over, I applied for entrance examination in a well known university, Still I have drowned in the thoughts of that girl, I was joyful all the moment, Suprisingly i cracked the entrance, after sometime the board exam results came, again started swearing at me like anything, If i got 99.9% also he will swear at me and say to others like he was the reason behind my marks. I had no idea of joining college at all, and acquring huge bank loan on my shoulders, Before joining college he made me walk to goverment offices everyday to get first bachelor consession in fee, It was hectic to walk so much distance and  standing in the huge crowd for several hours, while i m just out of school, he gave me exact fair for bus nothing more than that, I just got gift from my friend for my birthday, it was a mobile, because of handling pressure everyday, I started surfing things in that mobile and later i end up with pornography, most of the web is filled with that, One day midnight 2 am I masterbated for the first time, infront of my home, since no place in my house, I was optimistic in every pace of my life, although i had so much troubles, while joining college he made a huge drama that and simply shout for packing things and getting ready on time. Those were unwanted shoutings, I chose to join hostel to have peaceful days. In college i had encountered few bullies. With no proper phone in hand and no cash in hand and with no emotional support, I somehow managed my 1st semester, From second semester, i started playing game DOTA in college labs, coz i encountered people saying that it was a game geeks play, i wanna feel special so i started playing it, and with few odd incidents at college and my stress builds up, here in home as usual they dont hear my sayings and also pressurizing me to get marks in college, already i had so much pressure in college, To relieve stress, i started playing DOTA and masterbating on regular basis, after some time i became so much addictive to those things, my health depleted in a huge way, still people in home dont care about me and my health they thought i ll be getting good job so they get enough money but they dont give money to me for survive in hostel and for transportation, at times i walked several miles to reach hostel and hostel to home, while joining college i thought of joining a part time job but my father didnt allowed me to do that and made me work in market, for nothing that too centuries old market practices, if i tried something new he wont let me do it.i had more arrears in college and within last semester i cleared all of them i have left college with no job and many considerable odd events took place in college. My parents expected good job, in this case again huge drama happened in house. i tried for several companies, in the mean while, in my home my father and mother started watching TV on large sound which disturbs my preparations and again ordering me to do market stuffs, i had no time,no space and no mind  to prepare for interviews, In the mean while bank loan raised like crazy, I used to go to my friend's home at this point of time, Things happened and my friend's sister proposed me and said me join some job, within a month i got job in banglore, she got job in Noida, meanwhile she blockedme in her insta and she was raoming with her boyfriend in Noida, I used fake account to spy her, It lead me to depression and i left the job and joined as a uber driver in banglore and roamed around the city in crazy timings, my anger grew against her boyfriend and thought of doing something, During my driving i had a fight with bengaluru pullingo, one guy hitted me in head multiple times, i was okay at that time, after time 10 days i was unconscious and my friend's took me to hospital, doctors said i m having a clot in my brain they need to operate the skull to cure this, they asked for security signature, so they called my father,he came there and after a day clot drained itself it seems. i was moved to emergency ward from ICU, my father left as he was having some work and he left my brother with me, he was like killing me in the bed, asking questions that tortured me. He used bad words as well in hospital. i said him to leave me, but he didnt, after a week i vacated from banglore to my home. I claimed my medical expenses through Uber driver insurance. it took 4 to 5 months to get it, Home didnt changes a bit, it is looking like a dustbin. This time i fighted with everyone to change to something good. as a result, my dad stopped keeping things inside home. and i pushed him daily to do nothing and keep quite. obvious he will do opposite of what i tell, as a result he has done borewell in the place infront of my home and starting to build a sweet shop. In the mean time my friend warned me that girls wont keep waiting, so do have a good job and go to her house, I joined as a frontend developer, in a company which was based in banglore and staying in nearby house to work and sleep here, I m still hoping that she will accept me, i liked all her posts, again she blocked me in insta. She always says 'live your life dont long for someone's', hopefully, i ll have a future with her.